How the New Call of Duty Can Save the Franchise

10 days ago
We look forward the Call of Duty's promised future, where jetpacks and exploding spiders make war fun and easy. Greatest Generation? More like Lamest ...

English subtitle

(chill theme music)
(game warfare sounds)
- What's this one, a new Halo?
- You literally asked me that
exact question last time,
(Mario coin sound effect)
and no, it's Call of Duty.
Much more realistic than...
You know what, yeah. It's Halo.
I really don't care anymore.
(chuckles)
- You're kicking ass.
This like a tutorial mission or something?
- No, actually, I think
it's one of the last levels.
- Seriously, how are you killing
so many people right now?
- With robot spiders that
explode in your goddamn face.
(laughs)
- That's awesome.
This is way better than
those earlier Call of Duties
about the horror and
futility of actual war,
and all that learning and crap,
empathizing with those
caught in the middle
of global conflict?
Yuck.
- Alright.
If you can let go of any kinda grip
on the history of this franchise,
or, you know, history, yeah,
I guess it's pretty fun.
It's like war was hell, but now,
thankfully, it's the future.
We have jetpacks and magic grenades,
so war's a freaking cake party.
- Oh snap, watch out for the spider bots.
- Nah, it's fine.
I have super-cyborg
reflexes or some (bleep).
See how slow they go?
- So you're like immortal?
- Kinda.
I have all these future
gadgets and gun load-outs
at my disposal that
pretty much kill anything
automatically and with minimal effort.
Now I'm remotely hacking an
enemy robot in the next room.
Oh! And using it to assassinate
the boss of the game.
- This is the boss fight?
You're owning that guy.
- Yep.
- Wait. Is that Jon Snow?
- More like Jon Schmo!
- Seriously, is that Kit Harrington?
- More like Split Skullington!
I'm sorry, yes.
Yeah. It's Kit Harrington.
- So your guy is so powerful
that he's impervious to war?
Where's the challenge in that?
- There isn't one.
I mean, it's mostly just violent
meditation, at this point.
Although in a way, I guess
that is a solid commentary
on modern warfare.
Punching buttons, you know?
From the safety of my couch?
Watching my drones do the dirty.
Totally unintended, I'm sure.
- So are you playing the bad guys?
Jon Snow must be good, right?
- No. No, he's the big baddie.
My side's the United
Nations Space Alliance
who run the galaxy.
Oh, so I guess that actually makes sense
that we would have the resources
to quell any rebellion.
- Your side runs the galaxy?
- Yeah. Well, we're trying.
I mean, what happened was, see,
a small group of rebels started waging war
against our mining colonies.
Now I'm flying my
warship planet to planet,
snuffing out the resistance.
- Okay.
So you're the evil Empire from Star Wars?
- What!?
No!
No, no.
These assholes were gonna blow up Geneva.
I had to stop 'em.
- Yeah, but terrorist tactics or not,
your side has all the resources and power
and uses it to fly around,
easily stifling any attempt by the poor
to unionize or rise up.
I mean, this series has gone
from you fighting Hitler
to you literally upholding
the power structure
of a galaxy-spanning republic.
That apparently treats
its miners like (bleep).
- I think you're missing
some nuances of the story.
- Are you controlling
a Death Star right now?
- It's not a Death Star.
It is a ship that fires
high-energy particle beams
that incinerate anything in their path.
- This is mass genocide.
There are families on those ships.
- No, there's not!
You don't bring your kids to space.
I mean, yes, actually,
now that I think about it,
you do see a baby crib
at a fueling station
in an earlier mission, but
that's just creepy atmosphere.
I mean, come on.
There's probably no kids on these ships.
These are fighter jets.
Will you stop looking at me?
I don't need this, okay?
I don't need your silent judgment
from this side of the couch
while I'm over here
trying to hold together
the very social fabric that
keeps the galaxy from--
Oh!
Oh god!
Damn rebel scum!
Must not be allowed to escape!
Take it away. Take it away from me.
(breathing heavily)
Thank you.
(laughs excitedly)
- Yeah. Do it.
- I didn't say you could play.
- Shut up!
- Alright!
(strumming guitar)