British Rationals - 13th November 2017

5 days ago
Morning News, Afternoon Views.

English subtitle

I saw a picture.
It’s just two blobs in the sky.
Monday 13th November 2017
On a day when
Michel Barnier has claimed that if Brexit negotiations
collapse, British families will be barred from taking their
pets to the continent.
Will that affect your holiday plans?
I think it’s good.
They come over here chasing our sticks,
humping our women’s legs all of
these German Shepherds
and French poodles
and Austrian ……
dogs!
Hitler was Austrian
I don’t have any pets myself
but if you want a gerbil smuggling,
I know a bloke who knows a bloke who
did Richard Gere’s grouting
It doesn’t affect me,
I can’t afford holidays.
Or pets.
And for an extra fiver, he can accommodate a cat
or a small dog.
Erm, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise really cos
have you seen how much it costs
to take a pony to Nice?
My ex-girlfriend Donna got the cat in the break up.
What do you call a dog without travel rights?
An East German Shepherd.
It’s a cold war joke!
The Church Of England has issued guidance on tackling transphobic bullying
to schools, saying pupils
‘should be free to explore who they might be’.
Should kids be allowed to wear what they want?
Really, the church said that?
Well they’re shooting themselves in the foot
a bit really aren’t they cos how will
all them priests know which ones to molest?
Oh my God, no way!
When I was in first form I started a petition
to let my gay best friend Sebastian wear guyliner
and it probably had some kind of knock on effect.
Does this finally mean gender-blind
casting for school nativities?
It’s 20 years too late for me
isn't it Mr. Cooper?!
YOU WEREN'T READY FOR MY MARY!!!
I used to dress up as a spaceman all the time
Tin foil everywhere.
Used to.
I definitely don't do that now.
Ghostbusters
Dr Who
what next
Fire ladies!?
Thank God
men in dresses giving children permission
to wear what they want.
New research suggests the number of High Street
shops closing down has fallen to its lowest level in seven years.
Are you back shopping on the high street?
I went to M&S this morning to buy some jeans.
Awful experience.
Eh, eh, eh, what do they call the High Street
at Butlins?
The hi-de-hi street!
Eh, I’ve met Sue Pollard.
Awful.
Awful.
I like a crowded shopping experience
reminds me of work
seeing all those things lying around on trolleys
#savethenhs
They’ve got these jogger ones,
they’ve got elastic around the ankle and the top,
buy some tracksuit bottoms
that’s not what jeans are for.
Stonewashed?!
What even is that?
I mean that’s not even how you wash anything.
Well I’m always popping into charity shops.
Drop off only, obvs
In stones, nothing would get clean that way
I just want denim.
They come in blue, grey, other grey, charcoal.
I'm just dreading the day they open a Primark
and a Nando's and just totally ruin
the moon!
Charcoal! not even a colour.
That’s good,
unemployed retail people are the worst.
I'll never forget the day in Streatham
when Woolworths closed down.
16 people in the job centre -
"What's your best skill?"
"Pick 'n mix".
Jesus.
Good news!
The British high street is still here.
For now.
Jupiter and Venus - the two brightest planets - have been appearing together in the morning sky.
Are you excited about this?
Yeah, I’d love to see that. When is it?
It was this morning.
Brilliant.
I don't want to talk about it.
I was staying up late to watch it and so
I was watching Stranger Things to pass the time
and it’s really good and I got totally distracted.
Have you seen it?
Ok, so, spoiler alert
Venus?
The goddess of love?
No comment.
She’s got it.
Yeah baby she’s got it.
I’m your Venus
I’m your fire,
your desire.
I don’t know any songs about Jupiter,
Carpet, do you know any songs about Jupiter?
Oh my God, wasn't it beautiful?
I love nature.
I mean I obviously didn't get up at that time but
my brother-in-law works for NASA
and he recorded it for me.
Well at least it gave the unemployed masses of
Streatham a reason to get up in the morning.
I saw a picture.
It’s just two blobs in the sky.
The majestic celestial orbs of Venus and
Ju-
Actually, actually mate, mate, I looked it up, looked it up
and it is happening again tomorrow.
Actually
It’s liberal, fake news is what it is.
And that’s British Rationals.